(Heaton/Rotheray)

With A Face Like A Crab's Bus Ticket

And Skin Like A Llama's Door Mat

He Was Always Gonna Struggle

Nature Had Seen To That



He Dreamt Of Those Old-fashioned Movies

Where Bogart Gets The Dame

But A Lorry Load Of Lorre

Is Still The Score Of Pain



And He Sings

I May Be Ugly

But I've Got The Bottle-opener

He May Be Fat But He's Got The Cork-screw

And In The Party Party Politics Of This Ugly Fame

There Is No Orderly Queue



With A Chin Like A Tramp's Juke-box

And Eyes Like A Rhino's Ash-tray

It Was Always Going To Be Pantomime

That Made Him Sing And Dance Anyway



When You Feel Like London

And You Look Like Hull

You Think Travolta Pulled Newton - John

Who Did John Hurt Pull?



And They Compliment The Compliment

And It's Driving You Insane

It's Like Talking To A Helicopter

When You Know That You're A Plane



Breath Like A Mountain Goat's Satchel

Nose Like A Pool Of Sick

But You Always Leave Your Flies Ahoy

'Cause The World Wants To Suck Your Dick

Let It Suck!



And He Sings

I May Be Ugly

But I've Got The Bottle-opener

He May Be Fat But He's Got The Cork-screw

And In The Party Party Politics Of This Ugly Fame

There Is No Orderly Queue