No, I Never Was In Vietnam

I Never Once Dove Into An Empty

Swimming Pool

I Never Let The Carpet Walk Right Out

From Under Me

I Never Painted A House Or A Tree

I Never Did Become An Exotic Dancer, Or A

Customer Service Representative

I Never Took The Pulse Of A Dying Duck,

Or Gave Mouth To Mouth

Resuscitation To A Horse Fly

In A Way, I Suppose You Could Say

My Experience Is Quite Limited

For Example, I Never Locked Oliver

Cromwell In A Broom Closet While

Singing Waltzing Matilda

I Never Sawed Television In Half,

Although I Once Saw Wendy O.

Williams Saw A Guitar

I Never Played A Decent Game Of Jacks

I Never Played Poker With A Toothless One

Eyed Pirate Who Kept

Picking His Teeth With A Bowie Knife To

Distract Me, While His Parrot Looked

Over My Shoulder And Told Him What

Cards I Had By Using An Elaborate Code

Involving Vomiting, Chirping,

And Sea Chanteys

I Never Bought A Lamp-wait; I Did Buy A

Lamp Once

But I Never Bought A Lantern, Or A

Lambskin Prophylactic

I Never Bought A Loin Or A

Loinel Ritchie Album

I Never Bought Anthing Beginning With

The Letter "L" Except Lollipops, Light

Bulbs And Lettuce And The Lamp

I Never Laid Down For A Nap And Found The

Everly Brothers In Bed With Me

I Never Let A Cyborg Take Out The Garbage



I'm Sorry

I Stole The Radio

I Did It

I Sawed The Legs Off The Periodic Table

I Re-elected The President

I Did It, It Was My Fault

I Farted In The Church

I'm Sorry



I Did Many Many Bad Things And I Am So



Sorry!